Editorial
  Color
Vol. 9, No. 24
June 14-20, 2001
     
Current Issue
 
Painting Papa, 12 Takes on Sporting Man Bill Burton
Dock of the Bay
Letters to the Editor
Editorial
Bay Reflections
Burton on the Bay
Chesapeake Outdoors
Not Just for Kids
 
 
Tidelog
Eight Days a Week
Flickerings
What's Playing Where
Reviews
Music Notes
Sky Watch
Bay Classifieds
 
Archives
Behind Bay Weekly
Advertising Info
Subscriptions
Distribution spots
Contact us
 

Ten Things To Do if Maryland’s Entire $824 Million IRS Rebate Mistakenly Ends Up In Your Mail Box

10. Purchase Baltimore Orioles from Peter Angelos, sell stock cheaply and convert O’s to citizen-owned team like Green Bay Packers; trade skinny rookies immediately for two fat guys who can swat baseballs into barbecue pits beyond right field.

9. Call your boss. Say “Don’t think I’ll be in tomorrow. Don’t think you will, either, since I just bought the company that formerly employed you.”

8. Buy lots around BWI and put up signs that read: “Free Parking For Happy Campers.”

7. Call Paris. Announce you’re in charge of the “Move the Louvre” project; decide whether Mona Lisa and the rest of the world’s great art would look better hanging in North Beach or Pasadena.

6. Throw the biggest crab feast in the history of the universe; build a swim net along the entire Western Shore so that everybody can take a jellyfish-free dip before dining.

5. Re-sod the entire floor of the Chesapeake Bay with grasses and vegetation so that tiny crabs and other creatures can flourish once again.

4. Repaint Bay Bridge in day-glow orange with chartreuse polka-dots.

3. Invest every nickel in undeveloped rural parcels and Bayfront land to create sprawling “No Sprawl Zone.”

2. Hire graffiti removal SWAT team to scrub name of bankrupt company, PSINet, from face of Ravens Stadium; replace it with “Baltimore Bio-Dome” in tactful letters.

1. Head to Big Boat dealer and say: “I’ll take that one and that one and that one and that one …”


Copyright 2001
Bay Weekly