Vol. 9, No. 24
June 14-20, 2001
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Ten Things To Do if Maryland’s Entire $824 Million IRS Rebate Mistakenly Ends Up In Your Mail Box

10. Purchase Baltimore Orioles from Peter Angelos, sell stock cheaply and convert O’s to citizen-owned team like Green Bay Packers; trade skinny rookies immediately for two fat guys who can swat baseballs into barbecue pits beyond right field.

9. Call your boss. Say “Don’t think I’ll be in tomorrow. Don’t think you will, either, since I just bought the company that formerly employed you.”

8. Buy lots around BWI and put up signs that read: “Free Parking For Happy Campers.”

7. Call Paris. Announce you’re in charge of the “Move the Louvre” project; decide whether Mona Lisa and the rest of the world’s great art would look better hanging in North Beach or Pasadena.

6. Throw the biggest crab feast in the history of the universe; build a swim net along the entire Western Shore so that everybody can take a jellyfish-free dip before dining.

5. Re-sod the entire floor of the Chesapeake Bay with grasses and vegetation so that tiny crabs and other creatures can flourish once again.

4. Repaint Bay Bridge in day-glow orange with chartreuse polka-dots.

3. Invest every nickel in undeveloped rural parcels and Bayfront land to create sprawling “No Sprawl Zone.”

2. Hire graffiti removal SWAT team to scrub name of bankrupt company, PSINet, from face of Ravens Stadium; replace it with “Baltimore Bio-Dome” in tactful letters.

1. Head to Big Boat dealer and say: “I’ll take that one and that one and that one and that one …”

Copyright 2001
Bay Weekly