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Mr. Death Does a Talk Show

Live October 31 at midnight
LARRY Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show. Tonight we have a very special guest, a fellow we’ve been trying to get on the show for five years. He’s finally agreed to be here tonight. Would you all give a big welcome to the Grim Reaper himself, Mr. Death!
 
      Limited clapping along with a few boos. Curtain pulls back and out walks a tall, tan gentleman wearing dark sandals, white Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. His stylishly cut salt-and-pepper hair is perfectly slicked back. He reaches out to shake the host’s hand, but his host declines. Death takes his seat.
 
LARRY Mr. Death, welcome to the show. We have so many questions, the first being, what the heck took you so long to join us?
DEATH Larry, it’s good to be here and please, just call me Death. It took this long to get here because, frankly, I’m extremely busy. After two hundred years of pleading for an assistant, I was finally granted one. She’s been with me now for about 90 years so she’s catching on. I’m giving her some of the easy cases while I’m here. With her helping out, I’m hoping to get a real vacation this summer with the wife and kids.
 
LARRY Where does Death go on vacation?
DEATH Death Valley of course. HA! Just kidding. I wouldn’t go there if you paid me. I’ve been promising the kids I’d take them to Disney Land since it first opened, so I’m hoping to go there. 
 
LARRY Frankly, Death, I didn’t expect you to be dressed so fashionably. I figured you’d …
DEATH Be wearing an oversized hoodie and carrying a scythe? No, no, no. I’d scare the life out of someone if I wore that. HA! Get it? That outfit was concocted by some artist in the 1300s when the plague tore through Europe. I’ll tell you this, though; I couldn’t handle a plague now. I was a lot younger back then. Geez, I thought that would be the death of me. HA! Get it? The death of Death?
 
LARRY Got it. So you weren’t responsible for all those deaths? 
DEATH Of course not. You don’t get to be an angel by killing people. 
 
LARRY You’re an angel?
DEATH I go by many names. Death, The Grim Reaper, Wilston, the Angel of Death and the Angel of Mercy.
 
LARRY Wilston?
DEATH Yeah, that’s my real name. Wilston Filmore. What do you think? My mother would name her son Death?
 
LARRY You must be the most hated angel ever to have wings. 
DEATH You’d be surprised. Sure, a lot of people who are about to move on tell me to leave or go away; they’re not ready. But there are many who have been suffering for years in pain, chronic illness, whatever. They welcome my arrival, and I take them to their destination. 
 
LARRY What do you mean, their destination?
DEATH When people depart their bodies, I bring them to the train, for lack of a better term. You’ve heard of near-death experiences where people say that they saw a light? Well, that’s their train. I don’t know where it’s heading, I just get them to it. It’s like me dropping you off at a railroad track. A train comes along, you get on and I wave goodbye. You could be headed for Miami Beach or Newark. That decision is made by upper management.
 
LARRY How do you know when to meet people?
DEATH It’s all here on my tablet. I’m telling ya Larry, the days of getting memos are long gone, and I say good riddance. This thing is a Godsend. HA! Get it? ’Cause that’s who gave it to me.
 
LARRY For a guy who has to lead people to the afterlife, you seem to have a good sense of humor.
DEATH In this line of work, you have to, Larry. Like any job, some days are great, some bad. You have to take it in stride. I think that’s one reason why I was chosen for this job: my outlook on death. HA! Now, Larry, how about that handshake you avoided earlier?
 
LARRY You got it.
 
     The two stand and shake hands. Larry remains alive.
 
DEATH Larry, it’s been great, but I have to run. I hope I’ve answered some questions for everyone. And I’ll be seeing you in … (Death looks at his tablet) … Nah. I can’t tell you that. HA! But I will be seeing you. Good night everyone!
 
       Applause as Death walks off stage. Curtain closes.